Sunday, September 12, 2010

Just when things start looking good for me, the bottom always falls out

Living with this autoimmune has cost me so much. I've lost most of my business, lost my car, my house, my marriage. Finally, I got out on my own with my boys, into our little bitty apartment and I rekindled what I had with an old flame. Suddenly, out of the blue, he breaks up with me yesterday. He gave a few different excuses, but none of them really made any sense.

I guess I just don't understand men. He was the first and only one I trusted after my husband - and I would ask all the time "you're not running for the hills yet" and he's always said no. Something changed in the matter of 4 days and all of a sudden boom - he doesn't want me. He said he only felt that way for a week, but to me things don't change that quick unless something happens to change them. Being that I hadn't seen him all week, I don't see how it could have been anything I did.

So my theories? A - it's another woman B - he's felt like this the whole time but just wanted someone to keep his bed warm now and then or C - he decided he can't take my disease after all.

I guess it wouldn't be so hard for me, but he brought our children into the relationship. My boys adore him and his daughter adores me - and to me - they're the ones hurting the most out of this. I told my boys and they were just devastated. I don't know if he's told his daughter yet, but I couldn't even bring myself to say goodbye to her yesterday because it brought me to tears just to look at her or hear her talk about the things we were planning.

I guess I just don't understand why men do this. My first husband cheated, beated and lied. My second husband cheated and lied and took me for every dime I had. And now the man that I truly thought could be the one I could spend the rest of my life with lied to me, too.

I will never trust anyone. I don't think I'll ever be able to let any one get close to me ever again. And I don't think you could pay me enough to even look at a man again. All they want to do is use you, lie to you, cheat on you and then they leave.

So you know what? From now on it's about me. I'm going to take care of me and my boys and raise my boys to NOT be like their dads or the men that treat women like that. I will not have man and I will just be happy with me. I will continue on my journey to getting well and to hell with men.

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