Monday, January 24, 2011

I've Lost My JuJu

God, it's been so long since I've posted here, I mean really posted.  I feel like my life is in a downward spiral and there's just not enough time for anything anymore.  So much has happened in the last few months - I use to be so positive and surrounded myself with happiness and love.  But now, over the last few months slowly it's been drained from my by my ex husband.

There's a reason I left him - he abandoned the children and I to have an affair with a woman he met online, and then decided he loved me and wanted to come home and make our marriage work.  So I did try to work through our problems.  I was 100% committed to saving our marriage and at first he was (or atleast said he was).  He was diagnosed with BiPolar disorder about the same time.  All of the happened starting late February 2009 - Valentines day of that year he spent with herl.  I didn't find out about the affair until just before my birthday that year, and his diagnoses came in April of that year.  For most of 2009 I bent over backwards to save my marriage while Dean just went off to la-la land as many Bipolars do.  I started my own therapy through the Beyond Affairs Network and another network.  I asked Dean to take part - he wouldn't.  By the end of 2009 I had given up all hope that our marriage would ever be saved.  It takes two to rebuild a marriage, and at that time Dean had not earned any trust, if anything he made me trust him even less if that's even possible, and was sleeping on the couch (his choice for his 5'10 bod to sleep on my little 5' love seat - go figure).

This was not his first affair and I knew that his behaviors would never changed so I told him January of 2010 that our marriage was over, and that I was going to concentrate on me, my illness and my children and screw him - he's on his own.  And that's what I did.  I told him if he wanted to keep his marriage, he would have to show me something.  By June he didn't - but he did blow the engine of my Mazda while I was in Illinois dealing with my dying mother.  I had to work really hard at keeping up on my payments because I was very sick and couldn't work like I use to.  The warranty wouldn't cover it because they said it was lack of lubrication that caused it to blow - I hadn't driven the car in like 6 months, Dean was driving it and assured me he was taking care of it, obviously a lie.  So - in June, the children and I left him.

I did get into a relationship with an old friend - BIG mistake.  He broke up with me stating that he was just too use to being alone and didn't want anyone in his life.  OK - well I found out recently that he was cheating with another woman (that is now living with him) who I thought was my friend.  She's also older than I am, straighter than I am - go figure, but to each their own.  I'm over it.  My son is friends with her daughter so we'll just see how that plays out.  I messaged her through Facebook asking for the truth, she never answered and silence says alot.  I also messaged Fran and called him a liar.  I haven't spoken to either since.

We finally ended up in a little bitty apartment in the same town so I didn't have to move the kid's school.  I was actually doing really good.  My health was better, I felt stronger, and even though I was still waiting on SSDI I felt very positive about mine and the kids' future.  I figured as long as the four of them and I stuck together we could make it through anything.

Well, about Thanksgiving, my disease flared up again.  Dean had to start coming over to help with the kids because there were days I couldn't get out of bed.  Then we had heating problems with my apartment (I didn't know when I signed the lease and moved in that our heating source would be space heaters, and with my Raynauds, that's impossible plus illegal).  So - Dean made an offer that I was stupid enough to believe.  He would move out of his house that he was renting and he would move out.  Little did I know that it would put him in my life more than he actually was when we were together.  He knows he can see the kids anytime, but I feel like I'm being watched.  He let me have the family van and he kept the truck when we separated.  Well, the dumbass rolled his truck a few months ago and demanded that I give him the van back.  Under duress and guilt trips (him saying that without the van, he can't get to work, he'll lose his job, blah blah blah) I gave him the van.  So now, I have no vehicle and have to rely on him for transportation.  Most of the time I can't drive anyway, but dammit, that's my van.  He works full time, my only income is commissions from ads and the sales of my template designs, but he's ALWAYS borrowing money from me.  Sometimes with my knowledge, sometimes without.  I don't understand that one.  But he always plays the "I'll lose my job" card.  Besides, whenever I put my foot down like my friends tell me to it turns into a whole big fight.

So while all of this is going on in my life, I start having issues with my oldest son and anger management.  For some reason he's totally pissed at me ALL of the time, no matter what.  He'll come home in a bad mood, if I say something he bites my head off.  If Dean and I argue, he butts in and escalates the whole thing.  Twice now he's punched holes (once through a door and the latest, two in his bedroom walls).  I've been waiting for his spot in a program to help him which just came through today thank God.  He's been diagnosed with Obedient Defiance disorder.  After reading about what it is, it so fits.  Hopefully this program will help him because all I want is my son back.

I feel like my family is falling apart, so now I want to move to Streator, IL where my family, friends and support are.  Last night I told Dean I was doing so and that I was taking the van which started world war 5 (we've already done 3 and 4).  Once again Dakota butted in so its been hell with him AND his dad since then.  And to boot - the two of them went to my best friend and of course told her whatever they wanted to and she took their side and when I called she decided that I'm the one with issues not Dean and my son.  Ummmmm - ok - that's why 2 psych evals showed me completely fine, and theirs came back with mental disorders.  Needless to say, last night's fight cost me my best friend and at this point I just don't care because that's not the first time she's done this.  I want nothing to do with her.  Afterall - she's the one telling me all of the time to put my foot down, so I did and look where it got me.

I'm still going to Streator, my aim is to go this coming Saturday, but once again I had to give Dean money for gas and smokes, so I'm hoping I make some sales so I can still go.  The van's going to be a big fight Saturday morning, but like I told Dean last night - I cared about what happened to him up until last night.  Now, I don't care what happens to him.  He won't take responsibility for anything - he blames everyone else or he just pretends it didn't happen.  Last night when I brought up the fact that he blew up my mazda he laughed.  Can you believe that?  Who does that?  He has no remorse, no empathy - he has no feeling at all.  He'll tell you he's sorry but when you look in his eyes it's a dead stare.  His apologies are nothing but words to me anymore.  So if he loses his job because I take the van, oh well.  I need the van to transport myself back and forth to doctors so I can get this damn autoimmune treated and under control.

Anyway - that's where I am today - I feel like all of my positivity has just wasted away and Dean's negative energy is taking over.  I have to get away from him - if I don't one of us will end up hurting the other.  None of this is good on my children, I just want to take them far away and give them the stability and positive environment we had at our apartment.  I just have to hold on a little while longer.  Right now I'm in a flare up - I just got over a massive flare up a month ago and then 2 weeks ago another flare up started.  That's 3 in about 9 months.  The constant flare ups are taking their toll on their body.  I get weaker and weaker with each one.

I did have my hearing last month for SSDI.  No decision was made so I'm waiting on a letter, but their "medical expert" took it upon himself to diagnose me with Multiple Sclerosis and then told the judge I was employable because I have MS but I'm not being treated for it.  Hmmmm - ok - how can I be treated for it when none of the 18 doctors I've seen have diagnosed me with it dumbass?  I surely hope Judge Reich doesn't fall for that.  I have to decide whether or not to appeal if my letter says no, and I decided I will appeal.  My disease is progressive and it's getting worse pretty damn fast.  Who knows, maybe I'll be one of the lucky few that gets a yes.

Anyway - that's an overview of my excitement over the last few months.  You know, I would give my left nut just to be able to have peace, quite, clarity and my positive energy back.  It did so much for then, but right now I feel like I'm backed into a corner by my ex husband.  I'm suppose to stay with my sister when I do get down to Streator, but she doesn't sound like she really wants me there anyway so I'm going elsewhere to find a positive environment.

Thanks for reading - I hope everyone is well and know that my situation will get better.  I think if I can just get us away from Dean the leech I'll be just fine.  Maybe my autoimmune will go away completely once I'm far enough away from him, who knows .... only time will tell.

Love ya'll.

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Sale runs Noon, January 14th thru February 1st 2011
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